


All Night

by JugbandArnold



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 20:37:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5262665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JugbandArnold/pseuds/JugbandArnold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wanted to post this here - before I start writing new stories.<br/>All Night. I'm a bitter bitter bitter person. Read it if you will. La di da. Vent all you want I shall still be bitter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Night

_Dear Debby,_

_I don't know what possessed me to write this, but this is solely for you._

_A song-fic, dear me where have I gotten myself to._

_Follow the path that you made through the holes in my chest_

_I found all your pretty things tied into knots where they rest._

Walking into the huge hall, it's a rather stifling feeling remembering the last one. Your words 'Plus-one-forever' are echoing in your head, a part of you doesn't want to do this but your brain knows it's something you desperately need. It's been too long, too long to still think of someone so wishfully, too long to hold on to a memory that grips your mind but most importantly - too long to hold out hope. This is your way of saying goodbye - given that the two of you never had the habit of a healthy one.

So it's Andy and Sam's wedding and they somehow still remembered you spite the fact you had been out of the country in San Francisco for the past three years. You couldn't have turned it down, not a chance to spend a carefree evening with the woman who's plagued your mind at the oddest moments - which made things all the more confusing for you. If you were just obsessed with her and constantly thinking of her - you could have brought yourself to quit your job and run back into her arms. But that wasn't quite the way Gail tormented you. It wasn't even in being confronted with items that so blatantly reminded you of her. No, she was this passing thought on a rainy car drive home, a flashing glimpse when you woke up in the morning on a random Sunday, a heartbeat on hearing news of a local officer getting injured on the job. She was that face you thought was looking at you through the crowds, that person you wanted to hear from when you were low, that person who came to mind at random when pulling on a coat. And it's puzzled you, confused you to no end and all your logical thought processes have lead you here. This has gone on for too long, perhaps - it was time to say goodbye and for once - truly mean it.

Majority of your thoughts are forgotten when you finally see her arriving alone, and it's time for a deep breath and an evening to reminisce and forget all over again.

_I stayed up all night in the color soaked dreams you project_

_But you find me alone when the sun resonates in my head_

"Well, Hello there!" you smile, and at the beginning of this evening - you hadn't anticipated it to be this hard to be yourself. You weren't one for emotions that choked you, but that's pretty much how it feels right now. Emotions weren't your strongpoint - but neither were they your failing – it's just - this is hard. Mentally resolving to never intentionally cross paths with someone you held so dear, it's as good as hammering a nail into your arm. She's surprised to see you, and at once the small talk begins. It's - weird? Is that what this is? - hearing Gail talk about her girlfriend who couldn't make it tonight because she busy with something you don't want to care about. You're nodding along, rambling in your usual fashion about work and life in San Francisco and about how single you are at the moment. Gail's smiling and nodding along as well, and to you astonishment hasn't sarcastically complained once about the whole mushy affair going on around the two of you.

There's almost sickly romantic songs being played with everyone holding someone near and dancing around. The two of you have fallen silent and with time slipping by - you don't want to waste another moment.

"Care for a dance?" you ask, not bothering at all for how it comes across.

"I don't think they're going to play Macarena here Hol." she jibes back with that smirk of hers and your heart is sinking - but you're adamant tonight. So you're holding your hand out to her, making it clear you're not going to take no for an answer.

So, you play your favorite card, one you knew very well Gail could never refuse.

Tilting your head to the left and raising an eyebrow, you're still standing there with your hand stretched out - but inside you're trembling, desperately longing for one last dance. And as always, the head tilt never failed.

"Ugh, fine - but no making out in the coatroom this time."

_And I just want to see you around_

_I just want your back to my front all night long as it is_

It's a slow song that's playing, one you're sure you've heard before but you don't want to know what song it is. You don't want this evening to come back and assault your memories again. So you're holding her close, resting your head on her shoulder with your hand on her waist and slowly moving to the song. You haven't a clue what she's thinking - nor do you care. This evening was about having your fill of Gail - so that you'll never need her again. So you're holding her as close as you can, your eyes closed and just reminiscing. Remembering those comfy mornings you woke up with your legs tangled with hers, passionate nights of naked skin on skin, playful evenings with easy arguments - just running your mind through all the memories the two of you shared as you're dancing with her. It makes your heart ache, ache with the fact that this dance was something the two of you never had, and there were so many memories you wanted to make with this woman, but here you are gearing up to bid her goodbye. You can feel her hands holding on to you as well, and it feels so good to be in her arms once again.

_And I thought that I figured it out_

_I burnt all the videotapes that we watched as a kid_

After loads of drinks, dances and a lot of deep conversations about love and relationships and everything conceivable - you can see the time to leave is now extremely close. You've got an early morning flight back - you made sure of it actually, in case the morning brought forth a wave of regret. You haven't told anything you'd regret - you hadn't even told her that you're leaving in 5 hours - you wanted this evening to be about the two of you alone, Gail and Holly, and nothing else - and oh why couldn't this last forever. It wasn't anything sexual - just this fuzzy feeling and the feeling of bliss you didn't know you had missed.

But - it's come to an end and it's time to say goodbye. The right way this time - not over arguments caused by idiot friends, not over bruised egos and not over hurried departures. Not this time.

So- here you are - biding her goodbye and a bear-hug and quick kiss to the cheek later - you rush into the cab and it drives away. You've clenched your eyes shut, willing yourself to not look back. Not again.

_I stayed up all night in a daze where your body had been_

_and you'll find me alone in the morning with all of our sins_

Gail had stayed back a little longer - waiting to get a ride back with Chris and it was quite a chilly night - so she stuffed her hands into her coat pockets, waiting impatiently for him to get ready to leave already. Holly had surprised her a little, it felt kind of like she was trying forget her and remember her at the same time - which was rather confusing. To her astonishment, she found something cloth in her pockets - something she was sure wasn't there before. She pulled it out to see the name PECK stitched onto it rather thick. It was Gail's vest tag, and by the looks of it - a rather old one.

_Wasn't this the name tag I thought was lost three years ago?_


	2. All Night: Perth

_Can we all just take a moment to appreciate Luce-Luxe for asking me to continue this? *slow claps*_

_I'm a bitter butter person._   
_Whatever time it is, it's too early._

You've got a blinding headache, a hangover would be the correct term, and fumbling for your phone on the hotel bed's side-table with its buzzing is feat enough. Somehow managing that, you squint at the screen at groan out loud.

_12:08 PM._

That's about six and a half hours since your flight left, and you overslept. You don't know what to groan about exactly - the throbbing headache, the fact that ever-so-responsible you missed a flight because you were too drunk to stay up or the fact that you're still in Toronto - the place you wanted to get away from to forget Gail.

_Gail._

The thought of her makes you groan out loud once again and fall back into the untidy bed. God what was last night? You can't remember much right now, you can't think much right now either. It takes you five minutes to actually will yourself out of bed and get a glass of water. Sitting on the edge of the bed and forcing some water down your dry throat, you take in the mess of the room, your last night's dress strewn across the floor, shoes scattered near the door, bits and pieces from last night flash back to your memory and you immediately shake them off. Right now, you're bitterly cross with yourself for actually missing a flight.

Calling to order some room service and checking for flight details for the next plane out of here, you learn that the next flight you had was one tomorrow evening via New York. It would have to do.

Clutching a cup of rather thin coffee and staring out the glass window of the hotel, you're mentally accosting yourself. This day was supposed to be the day you were finally free of someone who had plagued your mind, your mental rebirth of sorts- and here you are - stuck in Toronto for another day, hungover and with absolutely no intention of doing anything but sit in this hotel room till you could leave.

The silence of the room is depressing, you could turn on the television and distract yourself for a while, but that hadn't helped over three years, wasn't certainly going to help you now. A hot shower later and clearing up the room as much as you can, it's depressing again. Perhaps it was this headache that was getting you down.

Trying to get back to sleep, you can hear your phone buzzing again, and checking to see who it was this time, that elicits your third groan.

It was Gail, of course it was Gail. But right now, you just want to hole up in this room and never see daylight again. So you shove the phone back face down on the side table and go back to sleep.

Late in the evening, you're feeling a bit better so you decide to venture around the hotel, which happened to be just as depressing as the room - full of people rushing about on their phones, conversations everywhere - the silence in your head is pressing hard against these imaginary walls. It seemed so weird to be an adult with a random day off with absolutely nothing to do, no one to talk to and nothing to distract you. Seeing a rather greasy bar across the street from the hotel, you throw caution the wind and decide if you were going to be stuck in Toronto for one more night, might as well drink it all away when you had the chance.

On your fourth drink of vodka for the night, with barely any people in the bar - well if you assumed crowds depressed you, this lonely place was quite worse.

_This world wasn't made for people who were all alone._

Finishing up the drink and ordering another one, you hear someone that sounded so comfortingly familiar.

"I've not become the ex you screen calls from already, have I?" Gail jibes, sitting on the stool next to you and ordering herself a drink. For a minute you think it's your mind playing its tricks - except you know that isn't the case. The Gail that your mind taunted you with had short hair, a shoddy haircut you had given her yourself -and this person you see sitting next you has significantly longer hair.

"What are you doing here?" she asks with that little laugh of hers and taking a sip.

"Missed my flight. Overslept. Next flight's tomorrow evening." you own up grumpily, too grumpy to feign any dignity. Besides, you're mentally severing the connection between whatever this unexpected bump-into with Gail was going to bring and any emotion that you were going to feel. You've got the rest of your life to mentally curse yourself over past mistakes anyway, right now you don't want to feel anything.

Gail however snorts and can't help jibing on hearing that.

"The most responsible Dr. Stewart missed her flight because she was hungover? I'd never thought I'd see the day!" she laughs to herself, setting her phone on the table. You really can't say anything but nod, taking a huge sip of your drink.

"You know, it's funny I should see you here." Gail muses, seemingly lost in thought far away.

"Why?"

"It just is." she dreamily replies.

"What are you doing here Gail?" you ask her, but you know there are other questions on the tip of your tongue.

"I just wanted to check out this - "

"Tell me about her."

Gail knows very well who you're referring to, and smiles a shy smile at her drink before continuing.

"She's amazing. She knows precisely when to call me out on my bullshit, and when I get myself up a tree - she just chops it down." she laughs at her own words and you trying to not feel anything at this conversation was becoming harder by the moment.

_Still with the cat analogies, Be still my heart._

"I'm going to ask her to marry me." Gail finishes with a sheepish smile and toys with her glass.

Whatever that last sentence was, it goes right over your head, you're too slow to process that sentence right now, but surprisingly - you can react to it. Behind a long gulp of your drink that is.

"Well Congratulations." you smile, totally unsure of where you're drawing your composure from because that last sentence just managed to drain you of every remaining bit of your sanity.

"Do you love her?" you ask, and then you kick yourself. Of course she loved her. There was no question about that. But seeing Gail falter a bit before answering that question gives you this tiny breath of air.

"I - I care for her very deeply. " she replies, sobering up from her laughter. "I could love her."

For the first time since Gail sat next to you, you turn to look at her, a look of surprise all over your face.

"Come on. I can't be expected to fall head-over-heels in love with every amazing woman I meet." she reasons, but your brain is in overdrive now.

"You couldn't even answer that you love her - "

"The last woman I madly loved left me to go to San Francisco." she bites back, and that's enough to shut you up.

"I guess the woman that I care for deserves something." Gail finishes, gulping down the rest of her drink. You're too stunned to say anything and just wait in silence for the bartender to pour the two of your drinks.

"I came here to check out the place because this is where I wanted to propose to her." she states looking ahead and drumming her fingers on the table as you drink that in.

"We had our first date - of sorts here and I wanted to see if I could make something of this place." she sighs, and your emotions are on the verge of boiling over now. What you wouldn't give to be the one Gail was planning a surprise proposal for, but you aren't - through your own fault. You can't bring yourself to say anymore, you just can't.

"It's funny - " Gail begins, explaining her earlier statements, probably feeling a little Dutch courage.

"It's funny because till yesterday - till that moment I found my name tag in my pocket, I was sure of everything. And now - it's all confusing again." she mutters, shaking her head in disbelief. It must have been hard for her - to be so sure of one thing one day and then uncertain of it the next.

Silence falls once again, save for some muted music playing somewhere and you've got to admit - this silence sitting her with her seems quite better than the silence in your hotel room, the silence in your home and the silence you've found everywhere else.

"You might want to propose somewhere that isn't this gloomy." you reply, finally finding some words. Gail of course laughs at that.

"Yeah, I probably should." she smiles, taking a look at the rather grim bar.

Gail's phone suddenly flashes, probably a message from her girlfriend.

"Well I've got to go. You - pick up my calls next time? " Gail states, gulping down the rest of her drink and paying for it, and you nod in reply.

As Gail's stepping out of the bar, you really can't shut your mouth for another minute.

"Would you invite me to your wedding?" you ask out loud. Oh the words 'Plus-one-forever' are just taunting you now.

Gail just smiles at that, and with a quick "Yeah" heads out the door.

You finally take a shaky breath and can't stop a tear from rolling down your face.

It was going to be a miracle if you woke up sober for your flight tomorrow evening.


	3. All Night: Vagabond

_Oh Wolfmother! And it soothes me heart that so many of you actually wanna bear the heartburn to see where this goes. I am bitter butter though, don't forget. Hey don't ask me how this works. Also if you want these two to end up together you better start buttering me up now…._

* * *

_Airports are too bright_. You internally groan to yourself, thankful that the sunglasses are helping a bit with that. You really couldn't care less that you're indoors and wearing dark-tinted glasses. Besides, you didn't need everyone who saw you to know that your eyes were bloodshot. Your main aim was to get on that plane and get back ho- to San Francisco.

 _I don't seem any better than Gail. Can't bring myself to call that place home_.

And it was true. San Francisco had been rather dull and tiresome. The people of San Francisco who wanted to kill - were pretty straightforward with it. There were not many thrilling and mysterious cases to solve in a place where everyone wore their heart on a sleeve. You can't remember why you thought going there was an opportunity.

Loud blaring announcements every other minute jolt you over and over and you can't wait till you could fall asleep again.

Sure, you had stayed up most of the night and didn't stop drinking till about 2 in the afternoon, but you weren't going to miss this flight. Not again.

So you had done your best to sober up to some extent, and pack up and leave. Leave this place and forget Gail. Were you going to magically forget her after this? You couldn't say. But you damn well were going to try.

Leaning back on this crowded bench and sighing, just taking a moment before heading to check in - your thoughts swiftly rush to the one person you desperately want to forget.

How could you forget her? She was one of the few people you could read easier than a book. Gail, spite all her prickly and stoic demeanor was so simple for you to read, it killed you sometimes that you could do that. You were never a great judge of people but Gail - how did you read Gail? Probably because whenever you were with her, you took in every breath, every quick glance to the distance. You could note hesitation in her voice as clear as a heartbeat. Whatever your shortcomings were - your inability to read Gail wasn't one of them.

And you can recollect her vividly from yesterday at the bar - you could feel her apprehension about your query. If you knew better - this was Gail surrendering to the fact that she had to find someone she liked and cared for and marry them - and that love was something that would come along.

You haven't stopped beating yourself up over the fact that you pushed Gail to that point. Oh you fool.

Sitting in a noisy, bustling airport with no one to bid you goodbye - the gloomy loneliness that has hounded you for the past few years looms overhead. You can't deny you're at the brink you pushed Gail to yourself. You can't tell if you want Gail, or you just want someone to while the time away with.

You know that you're sleepy and struggling to stay awake. Perhaps it was time you checked in.

As you're about to get up and drag your luggage to the counter, your phone begins buzzing.

_Ugh who is this now._

Funnily enough, for all the isolation you feel, you haven't grown to be more welcoming of interaction. By the time you pick it up the call's ended, and now buzzing with a message from a Gail.

_What - why?_

**Have you checked in?**

You're rather surprised at all this and are about to call Gail back yourself, when you make her out rushing and stopping a few feet from you, quite out of breath.

"You." she almost inaudibly pants, taking a moment to catch her breath. Your mind is in overdrive,  _Is everything okay?_

"Gail? What's going on?" you gesture, taken aback with Gail's sudden appearance at the airport like this.

"You don't get to do that!" Gail huffs, in a sort of daze and you can make out that her anger is building up _. Did I do something when I was drunk?_  You aren't sure.

"What?"

"You don't get to do THAT!" Gail recounts, whatever hesitation left now fading. You're truly confused and genuinely worried that perhaps you did something stupid like kiss her or cry to her on the phone and you're desperately attempting to figure out what it is you did.

"What are you talking about?" utterly perplexed about what was going on.

"I was SURE! I was happy - with Robin and I was SURE of everything and then you COME and do THAT!" Gail rants, and this is infuriating you as well. You don't really care that it's a busy airport and everyone seems to be minding their own business.

"DO WHAT GAIL?" you give in, unable to control yourself anymore.

"TRAMPLE right through me. Make me doubt that LAST thing that's been keeping me happy." Gail admonishes, clearly angry and intensely cold.

"You think you're happy NOW Gail? You think you're HAPPY with HER?" you shout back, not caring anymore.

"I was sure." Gail mutters, panting and flushed from the outburst.

"Look, I haven't done anything here - " you begin explaining, unable to put together the pieces of everything that's going on now.

"You're right, you haven't. So why don't you just do the one thing you know to do." Gail snaps, ready to turn back.

"What?" you yell in surprise, quite hurt from Gail's tone and attitude.

"Leave." Gail finishes, her tone harsh and biting, and with that she turns away to walk out the airport, knocking the air right out of your lungs and leaving you almost lightheaded.

_Did that just happen?_

At least people couldn't see you crying through sunglasses.

* * *

Work back at San Francisco sucked. It was more paperwork here than actually performing autopsies, and you've hated it. You hate to admit but you just want some interesting case, just anything to get your mind off Gail. You hadn't heard a word from Gail, nor had you tried to call her back and ask for an explanation for the showdown at the airport, lest she began blaming you for calling her or something.

_So much for a proper goodbye._

It's been 2 weeks since you got back to San Francisco, and you're absent-mindedly writing up reports when your computer pings with a new mail.

**"Congratulations Dr. Stewart, your application to the 15th Division Toronto P.D has been approved - "**

_No. NO!_

You're tearing your fingers down your face as you read the mail _. I PUT THAT APPLICATION 5 MONTHS AGO!_  You scream in your head, and then recall that paperwork moved so slowly here - because of that fact that literally anything and everything needed paperwork.

You're rubbing your face in desperation, not entirely sure of what to do. When you put in that application - you had thought perhaps being back home would have helped you. Now, you're sure of the opposite.

Not that you had a choice, you began work at the 15th division once again in less than 3 weeks.

* * *

_Ah. The Black Penny. Again._

You're sipping a beer, drumming your fingers at the table, looking about the bar before sinking into your phone. The bar looked pretty much the same as when you had left it. Still rather dim, still crowded with police officers drinking the day off with the few random people. You genuinely hated the fact that this bar was so accessible to you - quite close to your home and your office too somehow. Well now that you were back home - as hostile as it felt - it was time to start mingling with old acquaintances.

It's a while till Lisa arrives at the bar - and you recount all that happened.

"Ugh, what do I do. I can't get her out of my head, and I don't want her out of my head either." you groan, on your sixth beer as Lisa listened on rather patiently. Perhaps she had learnt her lesson about keeping shut when necessary.

"Don't you think you should move on?" she inquires, rather skeptical about seeing the normally calm and collected you so flustered about Gail.

"I mean Gail clearly has - "

"You don't think I've tried." you lament, annoyed that your so called friend wasn't getting the point.

"She haunts your dreams?"

"She haunts my days."

The two of you are silent for a minute, you can feel Lisa pitying you and you really want to ask her to cut it out.

"I just don't know what to do." Holly surrender, giving up all hope of fighting your feelings for Gail.

"You like dead things – people or relationships." Lisa tries to reason, but you just give her a really disgusted look.

"Ugh – really?"

"You just like mulling over things that happened and dissecting it – trying to figure out what went wrong. Gail isn't like that." Lisa offers, and you shake your head at that. You were not prepared on a lecture about your predilection for all things dead now.

"Speaking of the devil - " Lisa states, craning her head to the door of the bar where Gail just stepped in. Gail however didn't seem to be staying for a drink, just going up to the bar and handing the bartender something that looked like a USB drive with a nod and heading back out. You had barely gotten a glimpse of the back of her head amidst the crowds.

"Well I'm going to figure out what that was about." Lisa gets up, eager to help and be her skewed version of what she thought was a 'better' friend.

"Lisa, just leave it. Besides it's time we leave here." you groan, apprehensive about all this. Your wounds are still raw and you didn't want to have anything to do with Gail for as long as you could. Lisa however gets lost in the sea of people while you pay the bill and make for the door. Lisa meets you there, deep in thought. And now that she knew something, you're curious.

"Well?"

"It's a song. Something piano-y. I'm sure I know it but I can't put my finger on it." Lisa explains, pulling on her coat.

"You're utterly useless, you know."


	4. All Night: (Un)Chained Melody

_Make it better? But I'm butter - I mean bitter._

_And you, I love how you specified that by happy ending you meant Gail and Holly together and happy - God forbid I misconstrued that._

_Ah Debby, do you ever think of what could have been?_

* * *

Being back at the morgue on home-turf, it's a comfy feeling of familiarity. You've been back at work for 2 days and that was more than enough to get back in the grove of things here. You never should have left here for San Francisco. Sure the place was tiny and quite cramped, but this place gave you more comfort than the swanky, vast lab you had back there. You're day-dreaming about things and feelings - how things which were supposed to be better rarely felt the same. You're perplexed about being back here and you are toying with the idea of going back, but that couldn't be done without your boss thinking you were clinically insane. P _erhaps leave Toronto after a few months?_  You aren't sure.

You haven't bumped into Gail at all, which is surprising. For that brief period the two of you were dating, Gail loitered near the morgue quite a lot. Again you're uncertain how you want things to go. Do you want to talk to her after that argument in the airport? Would it be better to just let things be as they were till they were forgotten? Should you avoid her? Could you avoid her? Seemed stupid to think so.

Well fate made that decision for you.

As if on cue, Gail stumbles into the lab, clutching an evidence bag and perusing a sheaf of papers, not looking up to even greet the Forensic pathologist. She probably knew you were here, and was perhaps avoiding you as well.

_If all this didn't hurt enough, she has to avoid me like this?_

That doesn't seem to be the case as she finally looks up from the papers, to see you sitting there, looking right back at her. For a minute you're glaring at her, still hurt from what she said a few weeks ago. You love her, you do - but your heart's sore. Gail on the other hand looks like she's just remembered that you were back here. You realize that you were perhaps just a minor detail in her life, one that didn't deserve much attention - you really should stop these painful thought-trains.

"I heard you came back." Gail starts, clearly apologetic but you feel wronged. The stinging thoughts weren't helping either. Gail's biting her lower lip, appearing to be rather worried about how you were going to react, given that her last encounter with you wasn't pleasant at all. You decide that it would be best if things were kept as professional as they could be.

"What have you got there?" you reply, getting up and holding out your hand towards the evidence bag.

"Uh I need DNA pulled off some blood on this" Gail explains rather hesitantly, handing you the evidence. You merely take it and head to your desk without a word, and begin examining whatever it was that was in the bag, checking if there was enough blood to get DNA from. Gail's still standing there, dumbfounded and staring at you, almost expecting some yelling, something. You can feel her eyes on you and it's unnerving you considerably.

"I'm sorry about that night at the airport - I was - "

You can't do it. Your stupid pride just doesn't want it. Those words she almost spat in your face had echoed in your head till you felt like screaming to drown it out. Sorry wasn't going to cut it, not this time.

"I'll call you if I get anything." you cut with a nod, leaving the room for a minute, as if to fetch something, hoping that Gail would get the hint and leave. Gail tries to say something as you swiftly march out the room - but you don't give her chance to say it.

"I haven't asked her yet." you can hear her huff, before leaving the room in her own angst. You need a minute before heading back to the room again, to take a deep breath and focus on the task at hand.

* * *

Of course you found anomalies in your testing, for starters there were three different blood samples, mixed with phenol which was making this all the more time consuming and you soon learn that minimal talking with a homicide detective wasn't going to help either of you. You've got to swallow your pride and ask Gail for more details.

Gail's ready to help - completely putting aside whatever differences you had and eager to get her hands on the results.

"Can you tell me anything about what I'm supposed to be looking for here?"

"Okay - like what?"

"How about blood type?"

Rummaging through her paperwork looking for anything that could help, Gail looks endearing and you can't help but remember your first day together. What a blissful day it had been with intriguing forensics and a cute blonde.

"So what's the problem here?"

"The samples are mixed with phenol - making the chain-reaction rather time consuming so if I could narrow it down it would help get your results faster."

"Why's that?"

You know why that question was there, you knew Gail was aware that there were very few things that could shut you up in a teachable moment, and you actually consider it for a second before deciding that you weren't that friendly with her yet.

"It - It's not important."

You can see Gail promptly note that. You forgot that as well as you could read her, she could read you too. She knew that if you weren't willing to give a lecture on anything biochemistry related, it meant that you weren't on the friend list.

"Call me if you need anything." Gail surrenders, heading out again.

* * *

It's a quiet Friday evening at home, sure it had been a long week, with Gail constantly hounding you for those results. You had gotten them to her, of course and that helped nab the suspect whoever that was. Gail had explained it to you - but you were mentally too busy holding up a collected demeanor in front of her. You had managed to get through the week, which calmed you down considerably. You had been freaking out over coming back here and facing Gail but the first week things seemed fine. Perhaps it wasn't going to be that hard after all. You feel like celebrating this tiny mental victory so you decide to have a few drinks with Lisa again. Lisa's wasn't too bad company - better than nothing. So you decided to meet her at the closest bar to home which was of course the Black Penny.

You're just stepping out of the house, quiet unaware that at the Black Penny Gail had a meticulous plan, with her girlfriend Robin there and quite a lot of the officers from the 15 too. Gail stepped up to the little stage, clearing her throat as the bartender nodded with a wink and started to play the track. Gail had planned on giving her girlfriend the most romantic proposal (that she could pull off) and going over the idea over and over had somehow lead her to this. She was pretty nervous about what would happen - but once that music started to play, she just started to sing, not noticing anything else and not caring to look at anyone else in the bar but Robin.

**_"Whoa, my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch..."_ **

You've finally reached the bar - and to your surprise instead of the usual noise of unintelligible conversation there was silence save a smooth voice singing The Righteous Brothers.

**_"Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me._ **

**_I'll be coming home, wait for me."_ **

_Is that Gail singing?_

You didn't give yourself anytime to prepare your mind for what you're about to see. You barged right into the bar - just as the song began to crescendo.

**_Whoa, my love, My darling_ **

All the patrons of the bar were held spellbound by Gail's voice. She had such a tender, sweet voice that made the song more melodious. Everyone's eyes were on Gail – who was standing on the stage singing on, whilst everyone just stopped whatever they were doing to listen to her. You, on the other hand were rooted to the spot, right next to the door.

**_I've hungered, hungered for your touch_ **

Gail was belting out the song so beautifully, and it was magical. Her voice was so lilting, and you're trapped in the spell of her singing till you see that Gail's looking right at Robin as she croons on. You couldn't take your eyes of Gail though, this vision of her singing this classic was too perfect miss.

**_A long, lonely time_ **

Seeing Gail looking at Robin and sing, it all pieces together in your head. This was the song that the bartender must have played Lisa the other day, this was what was on the drive Gail had handed to him that night. It was Gail planning her proposal. As you realize what's going on - you despairingly want Gail to glimpse at you, just once whilst she sang on but it looked like Gail had eyes only for her girlfriend.

**_And time goes by so slowly_ **

Time was going by so slowly, everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, and you've forgotten to breathe. You're desperately looking around for anything that would tell you that all this was just a nightmare and failing.

**_And time can do so much_ **

Your knees are wobbling, your whole body feels like jelly and you're hopelessly looking for something to steady yourself with. This could not be happening, not right before your eyes. This feels like someone just plucked your beating heart out of your chest. Lisa, who was at the bar finally sees you ready to drop to the floor and tries to get to you without disrupting the enraptured people much.

**_Are you still mine?_ **

Gail hit all the high notes so perfectly, it was brilliant. It looked like she had put in quite a bit of practice for this. You feel faint, but you don't want to divert everyone's attention to you. Everyone in the bar was so still, it felt like anything you did everyone would notice.

**_I need your love, I need your love_ **

The drums thrashed on, almost matching your pounding heart. Seeing Gail sing that, especially knowing that it wasn't directed at you, you stagger back - ready to leave. But something in your stupid brain tells you to stay, to witness this till the end.

**_God speed your love to me_ **

At that, Gail pulled out a ring box and dropped to one knee, and you saw Robin's look of happy glee as her hands rushed to her face, tears in her eyes. That was the final stab to your heart.

You couldn't make out the door hitting your side hard as Lisa almost tackled you out of the bar as the scenic song ended with the violins and drums in sync. You can hear the music play on, as cheers erupted through the bar.

 _That didn't happen. That did not happen._ You desperately think to yourself, gasping for air outside the bar as Lisa held you from falling to the ground.


	5. All Night: Beginnings - Skinny Love

_Yeah please don't bash me up this is the first time I've done this. Which? All of this. Also LuceLuxe approved this so - THANKS! :D_

_Do you believe in Skinny Love Debby?_

* * *

Lisa had somehow dragged you home, which must have been quite a feat. She had hauled you to the couch, and is now sitting in silence, staring expectantly and waiting for you to explode. You can't believe that just happened, and you just witnessed it in all its glory. You're still stunned, unable to find any words for quite some time.

"Do you think she said yes?" you finally blurt out, not sure what answer you wanted. Robin's answer to Gail's proposal didn't take away the fact that Gail had proposed.

"Not to be rude here Hol, but Demi Moore couldn't have said no to that." was Lisa's reply. She can see that you're hurting pretty bad, which must have been quite new for her. You weren't the type to beat yourself up over unattainable girls in college, this was quite a new side to you she was witnessing, so she was unsure about how to deal with you.

_I can't believe this._

"So now they'll have a great big wedding and live happily ever after." you ponder out loud, gulping a bit.

"That's normally what proposals lead to."

You don't care much for Lisa's sarcasm, right now you're trying to regulate your breathing and stop your brain from thinking. Everything feels so shaky and fragile right now. You feel this mixture of emotions you can't sort out. You were angry - but at what or whom you were angry at you can't say. You're hurt deeply and in so much pain but can't point out why. You genuinely want to pause life for a while and sort it all out and get back again.

Lisa's still looking concerned at you, looking at you like you were a dog that was just run over. That's a pretty good approximation about how you feel.

"I think it's safe to say you need to move on from Gail now?" Lisa tries, and you glare at her. If she started her lecture about how the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else, you were going to pummel the hell out of her.

"You still want to rot in this pain?" she asks, wide-eyed in surprise.

"Do I look like I want to be ANYWHERE in this!" you snap at her, and she shuts up. Not for long though.

"So, what do you want to do now?"

"Drink. And watch  _Ghost_."

"Really? That straight shit?"

You glare at her again and she sighs and gets up to fetch some booze.  _At this rate I'm going to turn into an alcoholic._

You aren't really paying much attention to the movie, it's playing in the background. Lisa's busy playing or texting someone away on her phone. You're glad of the silence and the numbing effect of the booze. At least now you can figure out what you were feeling. Anger - at Gail? Why? You had no right to feel that. Whatever hold Gail had on you - it was all in your head clearly. Gail in reality hadn't done anything wrong. You were in no place to feel anything except regret - which had become a staple feeling over the years you can barely pick it up now. It sucks so much that you shouldn't be feeling anything about all that's happened and it's impacted you badly, you can't function. And every time you close your eyes, Gail's there singing that wretched song and it's killing you.

Lisa leaves as soon as she sees you about to pass out. She gives this huge lecture about how you couldn't go on like this, and you know she's right.

_For now just let me stew in this misery._

* * *

Monday morning at work again, you've sorted out yourself quite a bit. You've learnt that you couldn't forever hold a grudge against Gail for moving on, nor could you feel hurt over something that you couldn't help. You've decided to put it behind you. Besides mulling over it all wasn't helping you cope exactly.

So, when Gail walks into the lab, you lock away all your feelings in a far corner of your mind and play it decent, instead of spurned lover.

"Congratulations!" you grin at her, ignoring that knot in your heart. It's tiring and annoying, but you're sure it's for the best.

Gail looks rather surprised at you, as if she didn't expect you to know. It was always amusing seeing Gail Peck stumble at a loss of words.  _Remember that time in the coatroom closet when you caught her off-guard and kissed-_

You stop that thought and get back to the present scenario of Gail still amazed at your happy face. She had perhaps thought your stalemate with her would go on for longer.  _Like the last one for 3 years and-_

_These thought are getting out of hand._

"I - thanks I - I suppose you heard." Gail stutters a bit, not certain about how to react to that.

"Yeah, I think Patrick Swayze heard that too Gail." you chuckle, quite astonished that you were making all this sound so fluid and easy. It is mentally torture and you can feel your energy rapidly draining from the strain but you keep telling yourself it's for the best.

Gail laughs a little at that as well, still not sure about how to be around you. She hands you over another bag of evidence and walks away. When she's out of sight, you can finally loosen the death-grip on the pen you were holding in your fist.

Working with Gail like this was draining, but it was better than forced silence. The case had been complex and the two of you had to put your heads together to go over the evidence. It had been thrilling - needless to say - with minute details counting for a lot and it had taken the depths of your knowledge to figure it out. Gail of course fitted your statements right into the evidence and came up with a theory that had to be true. It was exhilarating to the point that you had forgotten your pain - if only for a minute.

"Nice work Detective!" you grinned at her, so happy that you had actually done it. This was your last source of glee after all, and no one could take it away.

Gail isn't as excited as you are, though she is smiling at you and your joy.

"Couldn't have done it without you." she muses, and for some reason that makes you blush, which in turn gets Gail to smile harder.

* * *

It's Thursday evening, and though the past few days at the morgue were emotionally draining - they were fun. But every day you had turned up home only to fall asleep right on your bed and end up waking up in the middle of the night to get some food and sleep again. A bit abnormal for you but it was manageable. Today had been slightly longer with Chloe and Sam asking around for some tests on bone samples and it had taken you till about 9 in the night to wind all that up. You're trudging along from your car, desperate to fall asleep - only to find Gail sitting outside your house. It was unexpected, and you don't want to deal with her now. But seeing her sit there and wait for you so patiently and loosely holding what looked like a beer bottle in a brown bag, you can't help yourself. Gail was the one person whom you couldn't say no to. Not especially after you've missed her so. The argument at the airport was long forgotten in your head, and for now you're glad that you were at least friendly with her at the morgue.

"Hello!" you begin, strolling up the walkway and stopping right near the porch.

"Long day with Chloe eh?" Gail asks, taking a sip of the beer. She doesn't sound drunk much, but she did look like she was waiting for you for quite some time.

"Yep. She isn't as quick as you. " you state, sitting down next to her on the porch, willing to see where this was going.

"Not everyone can be as awesome as me Holly - you know that." she laughs and you smile at that a bit. It felt nice having Gail like this - as a friend. You've definitely missed her as a friend, you can't deny that.

"Listen - I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the proposal before I - " Gail begins, and you see why she's here. She wanted to apologize about the proposal, but what you wanted wasn't an apology. A second chance, a do-over maybe - but not an apology. So you wave her off.

"It's okay Gail." you smile calmly back at her, and she can see that she's finally off the hook, for everything.

The two of you are enjoying the silence, it is quiet out at night, with a few cars driving by. A little chilly but not too bad. It's pleasant and comforting - two feelings you've needed for quite some time.

"I've got to ask though - Unchained Melody? Really?" you inquire with a short chuckle, though seeing her sing that song was so amazing.

"Oh God." Gail groans and throwing her head back, clearly sick of being teased about it.

"I mean - that's the cheesiest song you could have picked." you ramble on, prodding, curious for some answer.

"Look - she's a huge fan of Patrick Swayze and this seemed the easier alternative than learning the final dance from Dirty Dancing." Gail confesses, but you can't stop laughing, spite the fact hearing all that is rather stinging.

"But still - so cheesy." you chortle, and Gail gives in and starts laughing too. After the hearty laugh fades, Gail pipes up with a question of her own.

"What's your favorite movie?"

"What?"

"You know - movie you've watched so much you can recite it backwards."

"Why are you asking me this?" you snort, amazed at the question.

"Come on, I never got to know." she urges and you can feel the regret in her voice. She never did get to know you, you both never had the time.

"I don't have one." you sigh, turning to look over at the front lawn absent-mindedly.

"Nooo." Gail drawls out, before doubling up in laughter.

"What?"

"Boom-box guy? Seriously?" and you've blushed so much, you can't believe it. How did she figure that out.

"I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING"!

"You just looked over at the lawn so forlornly. And you just said it!" Gail explains, still laughing out hard. You on the other hand, are a little miffed that she figured it out. "Say Anything" was a movie you were so just ashamed of liking.

"You know what - get off my porch." you huff, with a bit of fake -annoyance - shoving her slightly. Gail stops guffawing with a muted 'Okay', but still can't stop a little chuckle every once in a while. You're shaking your head at that, enjoying the warmth of Gail's company. Gail leans into your shoulder, resting her head there, still laughing a little - and oh this must be bliss. You take in a deep breath, and soak up the sweet serenity of this moment.

"Do you miss me?" you question considering Gail's behavior tonight. You're waiting with bated breath, as Gail sobers up a little from her laughing spell. She turns her head which is still resting on your shoulder to look at you and you remember how much you longed for something so simple as this. You're not considering logic right now, you haven't thought about anything except being here with Gail.

"Would you believe me if I said I do." she softly replies, licking her lower lip and looking at your lips, as if waiting for a kiss. And you can't stop yourself, not when she's here in your arms - so endearing and sweet. You slowly bend down to press your lips against hers, just slightly till you feel her full lips on yours. You don't want to ruin this moment, not for anything in the world. You've yearned to kiss you so long, you've quite forgotten she was engaged to another woman.

The minute you remember that, you break the kiss and sit up straight, the cold of the night suddenly popping into your notice.

"It's rather cold out here so I - "

Gail immediately gets up at that, and you scramble up yourself - digging for the keys in your bag. Gail hasn't said anything yet and your heart's sinking.  _Was it all ruined again? Can the two of us ever find some peace?_

You manage to open the door spite your fumbling fingers and much to your astonishment Gail walks right into the house, leaving you flabbergasted.  _What's going on._

You decide to avoid talking about the kiss the two of you just shared, and assume that perhaps she was hungry or something. You hesitantly step in into the house, terrified, closing the door behind you.

"Want to grab something to eat?" you stutter, removing your coat but before you could even set it down Gail slammed you against the wall next to the door and began kissing you again, taking you by surprise. Feeling her lips press hard against yours, her tongue slipping into your mouth - it's intoxicating. Gail's pulling you as close she could, and when your bodies are pressed against each other, she breaks the kiss for a second to cup your face with both her hands and kiss you again. You can't find any resolution to fight back, to stop her - not when she's kissing you so passionately, not when you can feel her hands on your cheek, holding you so tenderly. Your brain is with throbbing with the conviction that Gail was making a mistake and you have to stop it. Your heart's aching for this, but your brain won't shut up. Not this time.

You manage to feebly push her away, only to have her step closer, in an attempt to kiss you again.

"Gail." you breathe out, before she kisses you again. Your strength's slowly taking a beating, but you're doing your best to talk to her. This time she runs her hands over your back, unhooking your bra.

"You're going to regret this." you softly remind her when she pauses for a second to breathe, you too out of breath.

"I already do." she declares, proceeding to kiss you again.

The two of somehow managed to hasten up the stairs in between heated kisses, and when you finally reached the bedroom Gail pretty much flung you onto the bed, pulling her jacket and her t-shirt off and then climbing on top of you and pressing herself against you. You're breathing hard, your mind going over all sorts of emotions. If there was anyone who could make you feel the entire emotional spectrum in a day, it was Gail. You've lost any resolve you had mustered, and now you've completely surrendered yourself to Gail and whatever she was doing. She's pushed your shirt up, still kissing you hard. You can't stop yourself from moaning into her mouth, relishing this lust, this emotion. Your hands are limp by your side, though you desperately want to unhook that bra off her chest. Your mind keeps flitting back to the reality that Gail wasn't yours but someone else's, but every time Gail stops between kisses to kiss your neck and your jaw - you slip back to now, the beautiful present where the woman you craved so long was in your bed. Especially when Gail kissed on the tender skin of your neck, you moan and your hands go to her bare back, digging your nails into her skin in ecstasy.

"Why did you leave me." Gail murmured between kisses and teasing your nipple. You feel the anger with yourself and your stupidity, which mixed with this arousal was such an inexplicable emotion. Gail didn't give you any time to reply, kissing your again and tugging your pants off. You could hear the hurt in her voice, and it's devastating you further.

"I've missed you." Gail whispered, shifting down a bit to get level with your chest, licking your nipples and playing with the contours of your breasts. You've missed her too and it's all coming to back to you. And that juxtaposed with the way she was rousing your body was a whole new emotion. You've slipped your fingers into her hair whilst she teases you, her hand sliding down further and further till it's resting between your legs. You're trembling, moaning and whimpering at erratic intervals, and when she slips her fingers in between your panties you realize how wet you actually were.

"Oh God."

Gail's determined, you can feel that in the way she was treating you. She's taken her time, but you can feel her impatience. Your mind is attempting to cope with all these conflicting emotions, when her wet fingers brush against your clit. You give up on the past, and switch your focus to Gail. The sight of her sucking your breasts while you can feel fingers play with your wet lips was doing things to your mind. You forgot what a tease she usually could be, never stopping till she was satisfied. And you can see that even now too, as she was teasing you. Spite all her determination, she was still aching for you to moan her name. And it brings so much ecstasy to just say it.

"Gail.." you whimpered, gasping and longing for bliss.

You can feel Gail smile against your skin as she heard that. She knew precisely what you wanted, slipping her fingers into you and moan out loud. You can't believe how long you've pined for this delight.

Gail gently slid her fingers out and in again, starting out almost painfully slow and tortuous. You're gripping her hair tighter, breathing heavily and on the verge of dissolving into pleasure. The base of Gail's palm was rubbing against your clit and that was making holding on rather difficult.

Gail finally gave in and thrust faster, kissing every inch of bare skin she could find on your chest and it wasn't long till your body tensed up in orgasm. You cried out in ecstasy as you threw your head back, and Gail held onto you as your body jerked against hers.

Finally, your body went limp, as the high subsided. Gail's resting her head on your chest, and your hand is still in her hair.

Your thoughts come back to you, and they aren't encouraging at all.

_What did the two of you just do?_


	6. All Night: From Eden

_This bitter load of butter had to brave snakes to reach an internet café to post this so please review._

_Debby, will I fall in love again?_

You wake up rather languidly, painfully aware of the onslaught of guilty thoughts this morning would bring. You had half expected to wake up alone and naked with no sight of Gail, but she's right there - sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows propped on her knees and staring at nothing. She's completely dressed and lost in thought and you desperately want to touch her shoulder and make her lie down next to you. Last night comes back to you - filling you with this mixture of regret and arousal, you have no idea what's going through Gail's mind right now but you could take a guess - probably the fact that she had slept with you barely a week after she proposed to Robin. You on the other hand feel frail, as if your soul was naked for all the world to see, this consuming guilt that you had just come in between two people and this rage that this was partially your fault.

You take in a deep breath and Gail at once knows you're awake - glancing at you sideways for a minute before resuming to stare at the wall. You want to say a lot, and have no energy nor dignity to bring yourself to say them.

"I wanted to go home - but the thought of seeing Robin, I - can't." Gail begins, rambling in a daze and you can't do much but listen. Your mind is its own whirlwind, but you can still make out Gail in her own mental turmoil.

"I can't leave her Hol - I can't. I can't." Gail mutters, her words more to reassure herself than to tell you. The fact that Gail couldn't just magically drop Robin wasn't news to you, but in a morning daze you can't help feeling a little enraged and annoyed.

"Does she know you don't love her Gail?" you question, damn sure that Robin had no idea. Gail however straightens her back and turns to look at you with a sad smile, one that breaks your heart.

"She does. She knows it all." Gail confesses hesitantly, looking at you but still unable to meet your eyes.

_She what?_

"I told her everything Hol - about you and - everything. And she understands - you know? She gets that I can't love her now and she says its fine. That one day I will and it will be alright." Gail pours out, and it clicks in your mind, that Robin saw Gail as a sort of damaged, disfigured person who needed some special sort of love. And that clenches your heart.

"Gail - "

"I mean she loves me spite the fact that she knows I don't love her - she is  _that_  sweet a person and I've - I've just ruined the one good thing that's ever happened to me." Gail sighs, head sinking back to her hands. You duly note that you weren't "the one good thing that ever happened to her."

"You aren't some charity case she has to do that for Gail." you counter feebly, for the first time considering how badly your departure must have left Gail. She still garnered some hatred for you - there was still this part of Gail that would never forgive you for leaving her. You couldn't forgive yourself for that either. Gail smiles this half-smile hearing your words.

"You don't know how you left me Hol. You don't know how she found me."

If that suffocating feeling in your gut wasn't enough, those words make you stop breathing for a minute - feeling the hurt in those words is unbearable. You're still lying on the bed, except staring at the ceiling for a while, because you couldn't look at her. It physically hurt to see her broken - broken because of you and beating herself up over last night. Your mind hurriedly goes through last night's kisses and touches, you can hear Gail's words echoing in your head and that makes you jolt a bit and sit upright, back to the headboard. Gail's still so confused over her own actions, barely giving you any attention.

"When are you going to stop hating me?" you blurt out - you just had to know. All this was painful enough with Gail engaged to someone else - but you couldn't live knowing that after all these years - she still resented you for what you did.

"Hating you?" Gail clarifies, somewhat puzzled at your wording of that sentence. If anything - she just spent last night making sweet love to you instead of going back home.

"For leaving." you reply, not bracing yourself at all if the answer to that question was something you didn't want to hear.

Gail, till then looked utterly helpless and confused but at that - her face fell and you've assumed the very worst.  _Oh God._  You close your eyes and lean your head back on the wall, slowly taking in the fact that Gail very possibly hated you to the core. Before you can inhale deeply you feel her lips against yours, kissing you hard. You can't believe it - for a minute it feels more like a dream than real but it's true - she's kissing you, her hands cradling your face and she  _is_  kissing you. It's not a very long kiss, but it was enough to reassure you. Gail breaks the kiss, but hasn't moved away, her face is right in front of yours, breathing a little hard, and it's all you can do but kiss her again.

"You were the love of my life Hol. I could never hate you." she softly whispers, and you're trembling, filled with the meagre joy and the angst that made this moment. You desperately wish you could tell Gail to just leave Robin and come away with you - but what right do you have to do that. Gail's looking right back at you - fully aware of the thoughts running through your mind but also aware that things weren't that easy at all. A muted buzzing sounds from somewhere nearby - Gail's phone presumably and you both come back to the reality that there was another person in this equation - through your fault mostly.

"I should go." Gail mumbles, her hands dropping from your face and getting off the bed. You too scramble up and grab a nearby robe, accompanying Gail to the front door downstairs. Right as she reaches the door, Gail turns around to ask you something.

"Should I tell her?"

You're genuinely stumped at that question. If it were up to you - you would tell Gail to leave her on the spot and come back to you. What a blessing that would be. But you're trying to not be selfish (given that it was your selfishness that made you leave her once)- considering the fact that Gail did care for Robin even if you didn't.

"I don't know Gail, should you?"

"I don't know either." she sighs, opening the door and stepping out and walking off, not so much a glance back at you. You can make out Lisa walking up the driveway towards the door and you internally groan.  _So much for wanting to keep this low._ You forgot you had called her over to accompany you to some doctor's appointment.

Lisa catches a glimpse of Gail hurrying past her, and it doesn't take much for her to put two and two together.

"Hey nice song the other day - " she calls out to Gail, who was speeding away at a furious pace.

"Thanks Boob-Job." Gail grunts, walking on, as Lisa made her way to Holly standing at the door, bed-hair and all.

"You dog." Lisa grins cheekily, and you roll your eyes at that. You hadn't heard the last of this yet.

* * *

It's a lazy day at the precinct, and seeing that there was nothing to be done - you decide to ditch work and head back home. Perhaps a nice evening jog, or a walk would help. You've forgotten Gail and everything that happened few nights ago. Repression seemed easy an escape as long as Gail was out of sight, but you weren't sure how long the two of you could hide from each other. The very thought of facing Gail again felt embarrassing and guilt-ridden. You hadn't spoken a word to her, nor had she. You had no clue if she had confessed to Robin - whether they were in the process of breaking up or anything. And at this point - you've learnt to not hope.

Strolling out of the lab, who should you see there loitering outside the building but Robin. You've turned white at the sight of her - half expecting a hard slap on your face or at least some harsh expletives, but Robin was just aimlessly waiting outside the lab, looking at the random notices put up on the noticeboard outside. You hope to slink past without her notice but you fail. Miserably. She immediately catches sight of you and steps right in front of you.

_Well here goes -_

"Hey! You're Dr. Stewart aren't you?" she grins at you - and it pieces together. Gail definitely hadn't confessed anything to Robin. It takes you a second to regain some confidence and get a smile on your face. All you want to do is beg for this woman to let you have Gail, but not now. You nod in reply with a fake smile plastered on your face.

Robin grins and introduces herself, which wasn't quite necessary. You knew all that you needed to know about Robin seeing that shiny ring on her left hand as she gestured to speak to Holly. Robin was a news-reporter/ TV journalist slowly working her way up the ranks in the Media industry, and a very well-known face on Chanel 3 news. You assumed that she met Gail while investigating and reporting a case - so much for fairy-tale meet-cutes.

Robin was indeed a very beautiful woman, a gorgeous brunette with long wavy hair and piercing blue eyes, as tall as you and fit too - a persona definitely made for the screens. You can see quite clearly what would have attracted Gail to Robin in the first place - the woman had this luring charisma, and you know in some parallel universe out there somewhere - you would have gone for this woman yourself. Robin had this cheery voice and this twinkle in her eye when she spoke - damn couldn't Gail have picked someone a little subpar to marry?

"Toronto's definitely missed you when you were gone, it's great to see you back here!" Robin grins on and it's all you can do to just nod along. You're terrified of blurting out something, that ring still not out of your sight and it's all you can do to mumble a few words of thanks. You're about to excuse yourself and rush headfirst to your car when Gail steps out of the lab herself. You hadn't even known she was in the building, let alone meeting her fiancé right outside it.

"Hey Holly." she manages with a slightly stoic face. She definitely would not have expected to see both you and Robin at the same time outside and you're quick to gain control of your emotions. If anything - you were left with your dignity. You nod with a full smile and forcefully excuse yourself saying that you had to leave.

"Nice meeting you Doctor!" Robin smiles as you manage a final word of thanks and walk off.

_Well - that did not hurt like hell at all._


	7. All Night: From Eden (Cont)

_Adulting sucks ugh. I don't seem to have enough butter._

_Debby it's like we're meant to be. Thanks to you Guest for the weird idea._

* * *

_I need a vacation,_  you tell yourself as you wait on the computer for some reports to be generated. You see Gail and Traci standing just outside the lab -who were discussing at the top of their voices the case at hand, and having reached no definite conclusion gave up on the topic till the results for the tests came through. You have barely spoken to Gail since the impromptu bump-in with her and Robin. You've both had plenty of chances to talk after that, but the awkwardness was comfy enough. Talk would clear things up, at the end of the talk there would emerge a clear winner and loser, this uncomfortable stalemate where everything was ambiguous was better. Were there any winners in this situation? Felt like you were all losers of some sort.  
 _A nice couple of days alone at the beach, nothing burning in your mind, ah what bliss it would be_  you muse, as the two of them stroll into the lab. Gail avoided direct contact with you mostly- but she still gazed at you longingly, as if to make you to talk to her. What good would that be, you don't know. For now all you know is that Gail still hadn't told Robin anything and it seemed that wasn't going to change for a while. Gail seemed utterly perplexed with the whole situation, caught between hurting Robin and loving you. You don't know what you could do to change this and you haven't tried either.  
"Oh - I can't help you with the dance practise tonight. It's Leo's play night." Traci informs Gail, and hearing that reminds you that this wedding was still being planned for - spite the fact Gail and Robin had already banged head-on into a wall ever since the night Gail slept with you. You're helpless in this situation - might as well daydream about beaches and sand anyway.  
"What do I do now!" Gail groaned, putting a little more than necessary emotion into that. You're swallowing witnessing all this.  
"Hey - Holly can help you! She's a trained dancer." Traci offers, pleased with the easy fix to the problem. All the blood's drained from your face hearing that. Damn Traci and her knack for knowing everyone from top to toe. You stare helplessly at Gail who's stunned at that proposition herself, but hiding it better than you were.  
"If it isn't too weird that is." Traci immediately continues, and the two of you can feel the pressure rising. Traci couldn't find out anything about that night. Your eyes have grown wide in horror and Gail too is trying to tell you (without actually saying it out loud) to play along.  
"No - why would it be weird? But Holly might be busy tonight." Gail fumbles, and that answers one of your questions. Gail loved this ambiguity as much as you did. As long as things weren't clear, there was still a tiny, tiny chance. At what you aren't sure.  
"Well, are you busy?" Traci asks, a little surprised at the looks you and Gail had exchanged. You're struggling to find the words, to say you would be busy wallowing in your isolation and you can't find them.  
"I-Uh No." you mumble, turning to look at the monitor as if to check some parameters. Why do you keep getting yourself in these situations - you didn't know.  
"Great! It's settled then!" Traci grins, and the printer starts printing out the report.  
So now you were going to teach the woman you loved to dance with the other woman she was marrying. Very nice indeed. Gail was staring at you as if to tell you it would be Okay if you didn't turn up tonight but the two are beckoned by an impatient Sam out of the lab, leaving you alone and depressed all over again.

* * *

You've had a few beers - you weren't going to deny that. Felt like anything to do with Gail made you immediately stretch your arm out for a bottle of booze. Gail and alcohol were an intoxicating cocktail, one you have a weakness for. You aren't sure what you're doing outside the building where this dance studio was. You should either go in just leave for home. But instead you're just staring at the building, mentally going over whether you should go or not. The studio was a friend of Chloe's - and since it was quite late in the night, you knew it would be only you and Gail in there. Choices, choices, choices. Do you go in and face Gail? Do you go back home a coward? Or do you stand here outside the building and while away the time, something you've done all your life. Five minutes pass, Gail appears from the crowds and stands next to you. You haven't acknowledged her presence - still staring at the building with a sad face, but you know she's there.  
"I'm surprised you came." Gail sighs, turning to look at the building.  
"I'm surprised too." you bite back, clearly the alcohol getting to your head. You don't know why you're so you know is you had no right to be here- this was supposed to be something Gail should do with Robin, with the so-called woman she was marrying and you don't know where in that equation you fitted in. You march into the building and Gail follows a second later.  
Soon you're both in the dance studio, there's music playing and all the lights are on - but the two of you are just sitting on the floor, lazing in the stillness of the empty hall. Whatever the hell the two of you turned up here for - it definitely wasn't to dance.  
"How come you aren't practising with - her?" you inquire, trying to seem as disinterested as you can but the emphasis on the 'her' was too obvious.  
"Well she's a trained dancer, like you apparently. I never knew you danced. You could barely do the Macarena." Gail replied, sighing into the emptiness. You hated this - the way Gail kept deflecting the topic off Robin and dragging it back to you. Gail, when she was with you tried to behave as if Robin was an ex, and not a fiance.  
"So - you're both dancing the final dance from Dirty Dancing?" you ask bitterly - your emotions clearly overpowering you.  
"Umm - No - just a simple one - but I seem to lack the rhythm for that." Gail offers, trying to placate you but you weren't going let yourself be calm. You see that you're quite drunk and can't do anything now - be it talk or teach dance. You get up and decide to leave - after all you've done your part - shown up and kept up your end of the bargain.  
"Wait! Don't leave!" Gail calls after you as you walk back to the door. She's standing up herself now - holding out her hand. It reminds you of the night you met her for the first time after 3 years - that night at Sam's wedding.  
"We're here - might as well dance." she tries,with her weird way of making peace with you. You consider it in your drunken haze for a moment and throw caution to the wind. What was the worst that could happen - she could sleep with you again, and what did difference did it make if she cheated on Robin with you once or twice. You walk towards her and give her your hand and soon the two of you are slowly dancing and moving your bodies to the beat of whatever slow song that was playing. The two of you were incredibly close to each other - if anyone walked in on the two of you right now - they would bet that you were the wife-to-be. Surprisingly when dancing with you - Gail magically found some rhythm and you've deciphered that it was more about who Gail was dancing with rather than Gail. You've wrapped your hands around her neck and her arms are around your waist, holding you close. You realise that this was quite similar to the dance the two of you shared not long ago.  
"So, this is happening." you state,the alcohol made you do weird things.  
"What?" Gail asks, still clutching you close.  
"You're marrying her." you spit out, for once talking without any inhibitions.  
"I'm just going with the motions here." Gail sighs, and you zone out for a second when whatever song's lyrics echo in your ear.  
 _Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago._  
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry dead on its sword.  
You consider your current predicament and laugh a little.  
"What is it?" Gail asks with this soft smile. God you hate how tender and sweet she was with you.  
"It's funny."  
"Why?"  
"You want to marry her - and dance with me." you drunkenly muse, still slowly moving to the song.  
Gail, quite uncharacteristic of herself, opened up a bit about it too.  
"Would that be so terrible a prospect?" Gail sighs in reply.  
"She doesn't even know what happened Gail." you remind her, as the fact came to your mind and she nods in silence.  
"You're going to marry her spite that night? That isn't like you." you ramble on, waiting for Gail's reply.  
"How come?" she softly prods.  
"You should have told her by now. You wouldn't let her marry you. I know that but you haven't told her yet - which is odd of you." you go on, surprised at your own words. That would explain why you weren't jumping in anger. On some level you knew that Gail wouldn't be marrying Robin anyway.  
"I don't want to hurt her - besides what when I tell her -just come back to you?" Gail ponders and you can make out that things weren't as black and white as they seemed. Gail still had her doubts about you.  
"I just think you shouldn't be misleading Robin." you finish, not wanting to discuss your own shortcomings right now.  
"I wish you didn't know me better than I know myself. " Gail softly whispers to you and all you want to do is kiss her for that.  
"It's part of loving you I suppose." you tell her, finally feeling at ease. You've longed to tell her you love her for so long - and finally you have, as indirectly as you did. Gail had this soft sweet smile on her face hearing that and that's cheered you up considerably.  
Songs have changed long since, and the two of you are still dancing late in the night. There was just something about each other's company that you both enjoyed, something soothing and calming.  
"Do you know how I wanted to propose to you?" Gail begins with a little chuckle, thinking of a long ago memory. You shake your head.  
"It was supposed to be a Sunday morning. Sundays were the only day you were so carefree and blissful. You were always so happy waking up on Sunday mornings. You would have this silly smile on your face as you woke up and I would casually ask you to marry me. You'd probably think it a joke and tease me and then I would pull out the ring from somewhere - and you would be so surprised. I know it's not very romantic and all that but whenever I thought of asking you that's always how I thought - "  
You don't let her continue - you can't. You kiss her hard, pulling her as close to you as you can. Gail's hands too roam to your hips and cling to you. She's about to slide her hand up your shirt when you break the kiss.  
"Not till you tell her Gail. I don't want to be a part of this till you tell her." you state decidedly. You weren't going to be the other woman.

 


	8. All Night: Bittersweet Symphony

_For a 22 year old, I am fucking morbid._ _ASSUME ALL ASSUMPTIONS. APOLOGIES FOR ALL ERRORS._ _I AM SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING._ _I know it's short - You try writing after 5 hours of travel everyday and an impromptu roommate._

"Isolation. That is what I need." That is all you told Lisa on the phone when she told you she had to meet you immediately. She had tried bargaining with you - but you hadn't relented. You wanted to feel free from all this, free from all the heartache and pain. Lisa had been quite stumped at that proposition. That conversation had consisted of you being poetic and rather dramatic. You had already half-guessed what she was going to say, but you didn't want to hear it till now. How that conversation had ended up with the two of you on this cold and chilly beach at 6 in the morning you can't remember. But you had begged and pleaded for just some time, some distance from life - and Lisa didn't have the heart to deny your request.

That sums up how you ended up on the beach with the cold wind cutting your face. The sun had risen but it wasn't shining through the clouds - the overall tone of the beach heartless and biting. Pretty apt considering your life for the past few months. You're just sitting on the icy white sand, not bothering with the weather. Your thoughts are far, far away.

Lisa's standing a few feet behind you and seeing her pitiful face all through the drive here had sickened you enough. You're sitting with your back pointedly towards her, knowing well that her normally hard face was now wearing a broken expression. You can take a pretty good guess at what she wanted to tell you. Your mind quickly flits back to the doctor's appointment she accompanied you to the other day.

_Not now._

You're holding your knees close to you, trying your best to calm your mind. Infuriatingly - the most annoying thing in the world was planning to relax. Something or the other kept dragging your attention back to the misery that was your life.

How long was it - a week or two since your awkward dance session with Gail? Yep. And was there any sign of anything happening to stop that wedding? Nope. The arrangements seemed to be going on at full swing - at least as much as you could make out. Gail had been literally unreachable since that night and whether she was hiding from you or genuinely busy - you couldn't say. And for the past hour - you've been having this mental battle with yourself in silence, whilst the slow waves lapped the shore.

_Perhaps it is time I stop thinking of Gail._

_NO._

_Then when? When she's at the altar with Robin? Will that make me stop?_

_Probably._

_I've got bigger problems to deal with now._

_Do you tell her?_

_What right do you have to tell her?_

_Why scare her?_

_What point is there in telling her?_

_No point jumping to conclusions now. There is still time._

_But if it comes to the worst - if I die - should I tell her?_

_Why? She isn't your wife._

_She cares._

_She shouldn't._

The mental torment went on. Lisa was growing impatient, seeing that your next doctor's appointment was at 11:30 and there wouldn't be enough time for the two of you to get back, get ready and head to the hospital in time at this rate. You on the otherhand could care less about that. You aren't even considering the more obvious consequences of all that was unfolding - the prospect of facing death, the fact that you could very well be paralysed at the end of it all, your parents, your half-done research paper - they're all minor details in your mind.

Spite the fact Lisa hasn't said the actual words - your mind seems to be slowly absorbing the prospect of what was to come. It's darkly amusing to you that it should take something of this magnitude to finally get you to stop pining after Gail. Your mind is gently beginning to tell itself that Gail would never be yours - not because she was marrying someone else - but because you may not be here for very long. It didn't hurt as much you thought it would - then again - you haven't heard the actual words. Maybe you should hear them now - it has been an hour and half of staring at the sea in silence. You clear your throat and turn half around to see Lisa eyeing you with this painful look.

"Well?"

"I suppose you guessed what I was to say."

"It is rather obvious. Why drag me to three doctors appointments when I feel no symptoms." you grunt, turning back to face the water.

"Nothing is set in stone till we go back today." Lisa tries, but you disregard that. If learning medicine had taught you anything - it was that it was the most unpredictable subject there was. It wasn't simple as physics, it wasn't obvious as chemistry - it was all a gamble. You had suspected it before - but since you had felt no obvious symptoms hadn't given it much thought.

"It's something in my head isn't it? What is it?" you sighed, quite surprised at your rather obvious lack of concern for your own health.

Lisa nodded in defeat, and it finally sinks into your being. That your life just got a whole lot shorter.

* * *

Two days since the fateful doctor's appointment - since when all your fears were confirmed. The fact that you knew everything there was to know about cancers wasn't helping at all. Right now - a little ignorance would have been a lot of bliss.

You've dissolved yourself into reading all you can about Anaplastic astrocytoma when you hear the doorbell ring. It was probably Lisa - who hadn't left your side much but still had to leave at some point. You had thrown your phone to some far corner - too depressed to even think about talking to anyone. Your parents hadn't been informed yet - infact no one had been told of yet. To tell people would make it  _realer? Make it true?_  It was hard to explain but as long as you didn't tell anyone - maybe you could pretend everything was just fine.

You open the door, only to be stunned at the sight of Gail - who looked harried and tired, staring right back at you with her blue cool eyes- as if she was confused about what had happened. Not unlike how confused you were about being a nice healthy person and still developing one of the rarest forms of cancer.

"I told Robin. The wedding's off." Gail huffed softly.

_Oh Gail._


	9. All Night: Michicant

_Got posted back home - as a Warship and Submarine Designer. Let's see how that goes._ _Thank you all for your reviews - they've kept me alive thus far._

_Debby - would you ever spot me in a crowd?_

_Ps. Maddie - Happy Birthday!_

* * *

You're still holding on to the door, staring helplessly at Gail, who's looking back at you dejectedly. After an awkward silence of a few seconds, Gail sighs and pushes her way past you into your home, leaving you still gripping the door tight. Seeing Gail and hearing that was so out of the blue. You can't believe your fucked up luck. If this had happened two days ago you would have been jumping for joy - right? You don't focus much on that though - it doesn't matter anymore.

Gail's slowly walking about the room, too distracted to notice any of those medical documents on your table. Besides, even if she did notice them - Gail couldn't have probably guessed that they were your own files.

"You okay? You look a little pale." Gail inquires, seeing that you haven't moved from the door. You aren't sure how to respond to that. Your mind is officially running at a lag - still processing all that's happened.

"Yeah, just surprised to see you." you hastily reason, leaving the door as it is and walking to the nearest chair you could find. Gail still hasn't stopped pacing about in the little gap there was to pace.

"What did she say?" you begin - thinking that was a good place to start.

"Nothing." came Gail's swift reply, stopping and looking at you for a second before resuming her almost manic pacing about the room.

"She did slap me though. Can't blame her - I deserved that." Gail continues, restless and confused.

You mindlessly nod at that, trying to come to the quick decision of whether to tell Gail or not.

"I don't know Hol. I - I don't even recognize myself anymore." Gail rambles, at a loss of what to say. It suddenly dawns you that Gail didn't tell Robin because she outright wanted to be with you - it was just Gail being the good person she normally was. And seeing Gail ramble on here makes you realize that Gail herself hadn't done anything with the clear intention of getting back together with you.

You do want to talk to Gail - perhaps when she's calmed down a bit. Tell her everything and then let her decide. But right now, you're in your own existential crisis and you hadn't given much thought about Gail - thinking that she was marrying Robin after all. Besides - Gail looked too frazzled and distraught to have a conversation.

Seeing her, you want to tell her about it all- want to just sob in her arms and let her take care of you, and you're on the verge of just blurting it out to Gail when Lisa appears at the door, clutching a few bags of food and a couple of old med-school books. Seeing the two of you, she stops short, a little taken aback.

"Am I interuppting something - ?"

Before Lisa can finish her question, Gail storms out the front door without another word, leaving you glued to the spot on your chair. You haven't got the strength to stop her.

"What was that about?" Lisa asks, and you huff at that question.

_Why was life so infuriating._

* * *

You don't even care that it's late at night, you had been driving mindlessly. Lisa was doing her best of being a good friend, but you feel suffocated, you hate to admit it. You just want some time to think - to wrap your head around it all.

It was the most surreal thing - feeling absolutely healthy and being told you were going to die. You couldn't feel any symptom at all - no headaches, no unexplainable fatigue, no loss of vision or whatever those other symptoms were. But you're dying. The doctors warned you what you already knew - that if the tumour progressed your chances would reduce drastically. So till then, you have this sliver of hope.

Then again - when has your luck sided with you.

You aren't sure what to think about Gail. A part of you wants her, craves her, needs her. And this other part of you wants what's best for her. It kills you slightly to know that you weren't the answer to both those needs.

All alone at a McDonalds at half past 11 in the night, the loneliness of the world envelopes you. And you just want Gail, just don't want to feel miserable anymore and would just want to be happy again. But was that worth Gail completely breaking her relationship with Robin, and then you dying on her? You can't decide. You can't decide what Gail wants - what you want. It's all just painful misery.

Staring at the rather unappetizing burger - you don't know what to make of the world anymore. It's all just too much.

Clutching tight at your phone, you call up the one person you know would take care of you now. The one person you want to hear from so badly. Your eyes are welling up just hearing the phone connect.

"Hey dad."

* * *

It's been a few weeks since everything went to hell, and after countless appointments with doctors and consults and work you're exhausted. You haven't told your boss at work anything - after almost blurting to Gail the other day - you're guarding your secret with everything. It felt too early to let people know, it was too personal to tell everyone.

Your dad's moved himself into your home, and with Lisa helping you all she could, you've had a busy few weeks.

It still hasn't hit you - you know? It all just felt like something that was happening and had to be dealt with. It still hasn't pierced your being, your mind still hasn't comprehended all that was going on.

You've told your dad everything, though he didn't approve of your little tryst with Gail after she was engaged, he was understanding. He, however being the dad he was, let you figure for yourself what was to be done. Ever the teacher, your father. You just want someone to tell you what to do with Gail, just like all the doctors just told you what hospital to go to, which attending to meet and what scans to take. If someone or something could just direct you to what you wanted for yourself and Gail - that would be great.

You've sunk into couch next to your dad, half-dozing when Lisa barges in. You regretted handing her that spare key, but then again she has been an amazing friend, leaving you to decide for yourself about everything and supporting you no matter what.

When the two of you find a moment alone however, she informs you that she had some news about Gail. You hadn't heard much about Gail - hadn't seen her much either. All you knew from the precinct gossip was that Gail and Robin had broken up and Gail was as surly as ever. You could pretty much imagine Gail biting and snarling at everything at work, nothing surprising really.

And then Lisa recounts an incident at the Penny where she was.

* * *

Gail had been drinking at the Penny, as she normally did these days, when Robin had stepped into the bar. Normally the bar's patrons were all police officers who knew their limits except this evening there was a crowd from this gang that had just been granted bail, so the bar was more unruly than usual. Some of the hooligans were annoying Robin, which Gail had noticed and she had kept her cool till she couldn't stand it anymore.

Gail had walked up to the 6'5" thug and punched him right in the face, setting off something short of a riot. Lisa had barely made it out, with a few shoves and pushes.

"I don't know what to make of that, but I guess Gail's a nicer person than I give her credit for." Lisa ended her narration, but something strikes in your head.

"She loves Robin, doesn't she?" you state in surprise. Lisa, however is amazed at that conclusion.

"Hol - I think she would have done that for anyone, Hell I would have clocked the guy - doesn't mean I'm in love with Robin." Lisa reasons, but you don't hear it.

After weeks of agonizing, it clicks in your mind.

 


	10. All Night: What's the matter with you lately?

_That would explain why you haven't found me then, Debby._

_Was reading some of me old one shots,I do hope my writing hasn't deteriorated._

_How morbid a person I am, Ouch._

* * *

_Chp:What's the matter, What's the matter with you lately? (Milo Greene)_

You've drifted far away during this meeting, quite uncaring for what was being discussed. You feel rather impatient and restless, fiddling with your pen. Your mind's gone blank, and has been the same for the past few days. You feel like clay, quite disconnected with everything that was taking and bending you, understandably so. The realization that Gail would be better off with Robin had drained whatever was left of you. You feel hollow, a mere shell of the person you once were. There seems to be no light at this end of the tunnel and you're too weary to find another way out. You've given in to circumstances - happiness and bliss a far dream for you. You aren't questioning how things got this way, you feel too superficial to consider that. If you could see yourself, you doubt you would have recognized yourself- mentally that is. You're just a physical body, walking down the hallway to get back to your lab - completely devoid of thought.

That's precisely when Gail sees you and rushes after you - you don't stop and turn around, you're too harrowed to think of doing that. You know she's telling you something, as she draws you into a nearby room, except you can't hear her. Or don't feel like hearing her - you couldn't figure. As you enter the room, a chill creeps over your body when you realize you recognize this room intimately. It snaps you out of your uncaring daze. Your mind goes back to the sweet memory of her kissing you in this very room, and that wrenches your heart farther when you see that you had to tell her to go back to Robin.

Gail doesn't notice that you're distracted, she was busy trying to figure out what she wanted to say. Your breath feels shaky and your hands are trembling - but you're doing your best to hide that.

"I was thinking", she finally begins , "that we need to talk - so I was thinking maybe we could meet for dinner tonight and - "

"I think you should go back to Robin, Gail." you state, as calmly as you could - keeping your voice flat. You hadn't wanted to say it outright, but it was killing you to tell her and it was killing you to not tell her.

Gail was taken aback at that, sure that she had misheard that.

"What?" she asked, to clarify.

"You should go back to Robin." you repeat, this time your voice trembling as you finished the sentence, a slight catch in your throat.

Gail was speechless for a moment, drinking in that you just said that. You are just plain torn between the sweet memory of that kiss playing in your mind and the reality of what was happening.

"You don't mean that." Gail finally breathes, shocked.

You don't say anything to that, not sure what words would come out of your mouth if you did say something.

"You don't mean that. " Gail says again, her breathing getting shallow. "You asked me to tell her and now you're saying - "

"I didn't ask you to tell her." you snap back, almost reflexively. Gail swallows at that, knowing it was true. She shakes her head and tries again.

"I don't understand - I thought you - I thought you loved me." Gail reasons and you know you can't manage staying in this room for long.

"You thought wrong." you urge impatiently, mentally telling yourself that this was the better alternative. It was better to tell Gail this than to break her heart after having her fall in love with you again.

"What?" Gail mutters, barely audible.

"I don't love you." you finish, swallowing hard and staring right at Gail as you say it. You had mentally rehearsed it a million time in the last few days - but nothing had prepared you for Gail's broken face and trembling knees. You don't wait to hear anything more, and you pull open the door and walk out the interrogation room as calm as you could, wrapping your arms tight around yourself as you walked on.

* * *

It's been a long day, needless to say. You just want to get back home and fall asleep. Sleep seemed to be your only escape from everything. After all, in your dreams - life was infinitely easier. You didn't have to constantly walk around with a heavy heart in your dreams. So, naturally getting home and seeing that Gail was there annoyed you.

Stepping into the house, your dad softly informed you that you had a guest and you know very well it was Gail. You aren't sure what she had to say - but you most certainly hadn't thought this would happen. You should have remembered that Gail was as stubborn as you.

"Gail, what are you doing here." you state, plainly annoyed. You know your dad's standing at the doorway, silently watching.

"There's something you're not telling me." Gail retorted back, standing up and facing you. And you don't have the energy for this.

"I've told you everything there is to say." you coldly reply, holding on to your composure. The last thing you wanted right now was a scene.

"You're lying - I know you're lying." Gail shook her head back, stubborn as ever.

"I'm telling you I've said I had to say." you yell back, losing your cool.

"Holly, dear, perhaps you should tell her." you dad interrupts and that makes you snap.

"Dad, stay out of this!" you bite at him, immediately guilty that you had to speak roughly at him. He sighs as he leaves the room, leaving the two of you alone. Emotions were high in the room, and you were angry - at everything.

"Tell me what Holly?" Gail slowly asks, her own temper rising.

"It's nothing." you huff, rubbing the sweat off your forehead.

"Tell me what Holly! Gail repeats, her voice louder this time, and you're still silent, not noticing the tears that have welled up in your eyes. You're glaring back at Gail with a stern face, and you can see she's quite on the verge of stepping over to you and shaking you thoroughly.

"What is it!" Gail yells, losing all her cool and taking a step towards you.

"I have cancer! Ok?" you shout back, and that stops Gail in her tracks. Now that you've started, you can't stop.

"I have cancer - and there's every chance that I'm going to die and there's nothing much I can do about it! OK?!" you rant, not noticing that all the blood's drained from Gail's face. She's staring back at you in pale horror, and your tears have streaked down your face.

The room is silent for a few minutes after that. You can hear Gail's shallow breathing, spite your own deep, hard pants. Gail had settled into the nearest chair, you're leaning against a wall, still on an edge.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gail asks, her voice soft and almost broken. You don't really have an answer to that, so you're just staring at the floor silently, trying to stop your tears.

"So - this afternoon was you making some sort of sacrifice for the greater good or something?" Gail questions, her words getting louder and louder.

"It's the truth -"

"OH stop behaving like some emotional teenager Holly!" Gail cries out, getting up off her chair and glaring angrily at you.

"It's for the best Gail." you yell over her voice.

"Don't." Gail cuts you yet again, but you refuse to back down.

"You should be happy Gail - and you can be happy with Robin, she'll take you back - " Gail just grabs your by your shoulders, shaking you quite roughly.

"Damn it Holly! Do you really want me to go back to her? Do you want me to leave you and go back to her? Gail rants, her face inches from yours, her eyes looking angrily into yours. After a moment, you gather your thoughts.

"Leave." you state, pulling yourself out of Gail's grasp. Gail, however knows that's she's lost this round, and mutters in anger as she stamps out of the room and out of your house, leaving you all alone to your thoughts.

 


	11. All Night: Pieces

_Sorry, Engineering is much more draining than I thought._

_Debby, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._

_All of you - I'm sorry._

* * *

You're sitting on the floor, resting your head against the couch and staring at the ceiling. You don't know what exactly you're mad at - the fact Holly had cancer or that she didn't tell you about it. There are these tears that just refuse to fall, these questions that won't just go away and that clenching feeling in your heart that things had just changed so drastically. There's a whole bottle of whisky right in front of you - but you can't seem to will yourself to pick it up and take a swig. Your romantic life has come crashing down around you - and you're just a helpless by-stander, staring at the rubble left of it. You feel angry to the point of choking something and nothing you think of takes that rage away.

You can hear someone at the door, and you've mindlessly assumed it was Dov or someone who would go away if you didn't respond for a while. Except whoever it was - didn't seem to be getting the message.

_Who the hell is this._

Quite depressed and annoyed you drag yourself up and answer the door, surprised to see that it was Lisa.

"What do you want." you spit out, the last person you cared for was Boob-job.

"I heard what happened tonight and I thought that maybe there are a few more things you ought to know about Holly - " Lisa begins explaining, and in your mind - that explanation sounds hilarious and deeply hurtful.

"Oh now you want me to know." you snarl back and before Lisa could even reply you've let your rage take over. You've grabbed by the collars of a shirt and banged her hard against the nearest wall. Right now, all you can see is red.

"Gail - OW!"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!" you yell, enunciating every syllable and shaking Lisa rather roughly.

"Gail - It wasn't my place to tell you - I swear I begged Holly to tell you before - " Lisa urgently pleads, taken completely by surprise by your rage and pretty bewildered herself. You can hear what she's saying - but you also know any answer she gave you would never satisfy you. It would be better to stick to questions Lisa could answer for you.

"When did all this happen?" you try, banging Lisa against the wall hard again.

"A few weeks ago!" Lisa yells, as if in surrender to stop you from hurting her further.

At that you loosen the death-hold you had on Lisa, and she manages to wrangle herself away from your grasp.

You couldn't believe it. Holly hadn't said a word about anything for weeks. It physically hurts your heart to hear that.

You can make out Lisa in the corner of your eye - adjusting her shirt and coat, but you've barely moved. You know what your next question is - and it takes all your remaining energy to ask it out loud.

"Is it bad?" you softly ask, quite the opposite of how you screamed all the previous questions at her.

"That's the thing. No one can say anything for sure now." Lisa answers, slowly seeing that you were hurting rather bad.

You consider that reply for a minute and let it sink in your head. At least you don't feel as lost and helpless as you did before. But then, Holly's loud and resounding "Leave" echoes in your head and you're lost once again.

Remembering your earlier conversation with Holly this evening, your heart sinks. You stumble past Lisa - back to your couch - mumbling as you do.

"What are you doing here."

"I'm just looking out for my friend - " Lisa begins, eyeing you pick up the bottle and settle on the couch.

"I don't think Holly's been dealing with this well. She's feeling with her brain and not her heart - and when her heart catches up to things - she's going to be heartbroken - again."

You take that in, understanding rather clearly what Lisa was referring to. You knew it was Holly and all her logical brains making her tell you she didn't love you this morning. Typical, but rather sad of Holly.

You take in a deep breath and a swig of whisky right from the bottle at that. The pain subsides for a minute and rushes back again - remembering Holly's voice this evening.

_Leave._

"What do you want me to do - she practically told me to leave her alone today - there's nothing much I can do after that." you state, your voice flat.

"Look - Gail - I don't care what your past with Holly's been - I just don't want my friend hurt again."

Hearing that - you know that somewhere in your heart you don't want Holly to be hurt either.

* * *

You haven't given Gail much thought at all - surprisingly. Well - not totally surprising. You could feel yourself held together by a very fine thread, and well aware that if you looked back on last night - it would all just fall apart.

It's early in the morning - barely light and you can't sleep. Staring at the television - watching the half-past 3 re-runs of Seinfeld, you've left your life a whole world behind. Till you make out through the window - Gail walking up to the front porch.

You immediately get up - ready to fight her off. You couldn't do this anymore - the constant heavy heart was breaking you bit by bit and - you just couldn't.

You rush to the door and open it before she could press the doorbell.

"Gail - I don't want your sympathy." you coldly state, not considering your emotions for even a moment. Your emotions were frazzled and tangled, a mess you didn't know what to make of.

"Good - I didn't come to give you any." Gail retorts in her cold manner, brushing past you to enter the house - and that stings you.

"What do you want Gail?" you ask sternly, closing the door behind you and folding your hands tight.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" Gail questions, facing you - but rooted to the spot. You can make out she's slightly drunk, trembling a bit as well.

"I didn't know we were telling each other stuff Gail - " you begin haughtily.

"Don't you -" Gail bites back, a mixture of anger and hurt in her voice.

"What was I supposed to do Gail? Tell you and hope you'd come running back? You made it quite clear you didn't want to do that - ", you rant - finally getting it all off your chest.

"You could have told me!" Gail cried back, obviously on the verge of breaking down.

"You were supposed to be marrying her Gail - I didn't have to ruin that again and -" you state, softening seeing Gail so uncharacteristically vulnerable.

"GOD! Holly - After all we've been through - you could have just told me!" Gail bitterly utters, losing all her cool and turning to lean her face against the wall, never having felt so left out as she did now.

"I thought I meant something to you." you hear her softly surrender - and that breaks your resolve. Seeing Gail trembling with her face towards the wall, was slowly making you learn that all that was happening wasn't "something that had to be dealt with" anymore. It was a slight realization, but surely - there it was.

You can't stop yourself as you slowly move towards her, prying her face away from the wall - which she stubbornly refused to do till you actually had to drag her away. Her damp cheeks and shaky breath were the last thing you could tolerate - and you didn't want her to ever think that she meant nothing to you.

Gently rubbing away at the tears on her cheek, you kiss her as tenderly as you could, desperately hoping that the kiss said everything you couldn't find the words to say -  _I love you, I'm terrified of what's happening, I love you, I just want you to be happy._

Gail soon begins kissing you back, pulling you closer and closer - as if to make sure you were fine. She slowly breaks the kiss, but still hasn't stopped crying. You can feel her whole body trembling, you can see that she's absolutely bewildered about everything and you don't know what to make of it.

"Are you Ok?" she softly asks, dropping to her knees and hugging your legs tight, sobbing hard. Seeing Gail absolutely broken as she was hurting you badly too.

"I'll be fine Gail." you reassure her, running your hands through her blonde hair as she cried on.

You - however weren't sure of your answer.

 


	12. All Night: Grapevine Fires

_I am so sorry - suddenly got posted at the shipyard for 3 months and have to slog there._

_As I write this, I wonder whether you people prefer Holly dead or alive - then I remember you all know how Morbid I am._

_Debby I am so exhausted I could probably curl up in your lap and sleep for a million years._

* * *

_Well, this is it._

The day has finally come - for you to learn if this disease was going to kill you or not - whether your death would be slow, painful and sure or sudden and swift. Sitting on your bed and thinking about it makes you dread it all the more. Till today - the cancer was just a little hammer hammering away in your head - annoying and pressing against your brain but something you could ignore because you didn't want to deal with it. But today - all that would change. The doctor would read up from his reports whilst your ears would start ringing till you couldn't hear him and this disease would consume your entire being - you would cease to exist and turn into a soulless statistic in all those cancer reports filed every year. Today, would mark the last day you live life truly as yourself - Holly Stewart. So you're looking back on your life - trying to find something you were truly proud of, something - anything to just show yourself that you weren't a soul wasted - but everything you can think off - being a brilliant med-student, being a world-class forensic pathologist with incisive abilities, being a nice human being - it all seems so small compared to what you wanted to be. And what you wanted to be was something you couldn't exactly put your finger on - even today. It's a shame that you never realized that all you ever wanted to be was happy.

You've chased away your dad and Lisa for today, threatening them to not approach you till the end of the day - irrespective of what the doctor's verdict was. You're dimly aware that you've turned into an aloof monster, shunning comfort when you perhaps needed it the most - but you can't help it. You feel guilty for it all for some reason - and believe that enduring this day alone would absolve you.

The plan for today in your head is pretty simple. Take the day off at work, drive alone to the doctors, learn what it was you had to learn and then probably head to the beach irrespective of what the results were and allow yourself to sink it in your being. The beach? You don't know why - but the sight of the sea - mighty and vast and constantly lapping at the shore was something that soothed your soul. The sea was something you found yourself relating to - full to the brim and nowhere to go, an island stuck in the middle of nowhere, insignificant in a majority. Probably get drunk out of your wits after that and end up calling Lisa to pick you up. Right now - you're disappointed, depressed and slightly raging over the universe and its twisted ways.

Gail? You recall early morning yesterday- which ended in Gail falling asleep on the couch and you didn't know what to tell her. Ask her to leave or beg her to stay? Tell her you need her or push her away? Fall alone to pieces or break her too? It was torment, seeing Gail disheveled on the couch, sleeping with this strained expression on her face. You rushed off to work and hadn't dared to get ahold of her after that. Gail would just have to wait till after today.

Which is why it surprises you that when you're about to shut the front door on your way to car, you see her already there, waiting.

"Gail, what are you doing here?" you snap at her, in no mood to deal with her now.

"I heard from Lisa that you were trudging to the doctors all alone - and I couldn't allow that." she huffs, her tone as calm as she could make it.

"Gail - look I don't want to deal with you right now so just let me go." you mutter, trying to side-step her and get to your car, but Gail's quick to step into your way.

"What are you doing? Why are you pushing everyone away? Why are you pushing me away?" Gail confronts you and you're slowly losing it.

"I don't want to talk about this now Gail -"

"Well when are you going to talk about it - because - " Gail stops short at that and it irks you.

"Because? Of what Gail? Because I'm dying? Because you didn't seem to be in any hurry to talk before!" you spit out and you can actually see Gail's face breaking.

"Holly I - "

"Look Gail you wanna talk? Fine!" you rant, dropping your bag down as your hands start to move uncontrollably.

"THIS? ! This isn't how my life's supposed to go - this isn't where I'm supposed to be - this isn't how we're supposed to happen Gail and it's infuriating me. I wasn't supposed to get cancer and you aren't supposed to be with me out of pity and - and I don't want to do this today - "

"You don't have to go to the doc today Hol - I - "

"Not that Gail" you clarify , "I don't want to talk about us today because it will just remind me of everything I've ever screwed up - so - . " you finish, rather surprised. You felt like you had a lot more to say.

At that Gail's jaw stiffens and you notice how badly you're trembling.

"I'm not letting you go there alone." Gail quietly states, holding out her hand as if to take the keys from you.

"You're kidding me." you utter, not believing this.

"I am an officer of the law Hol and I can - " at that you groan and shove the keys into her hand and march to the passenger side of the car. Gail's still standing there for a minute - for a minute glad that she had won that tiny battle. Picking up your bag which was still on the ground, she walks to the car and drives you off to the hospital.

* * *

During the car ride, you calm down considerably. Gail doesn't say a word nor does her face betray any emotion. You on the other hand are sinking into this deep pit of angst and depression - weighing down your already heavy heart. Every traffic signal you cross keeps bringing you closer to your own judgment day - and the closer you get the farther you want to go. Till now - you thought everything you were feeling was the absolute worst, but today you know that tomorrow was going to be even worse. You aren't ready for it - no one ever is.

The two of you finally reach the hospital parking lot - but neither of you want to get out of the car. Gail's as still as she could be - the only thing she was doing was gripping the steering wheel tight till the tips of her fingers were pink from the strain. You're already ten minutes late but you can't budge from your seat at all. You're immediately grateful that you weren't alone here. You would have probably driven out the car right to the street, preferring to die T-boned by an oncoming truck instead of like this.

Five slow minutes pass, and you still can't move. You're barely breathing and feel quite faint already. All the energy in your body is slowly draining and it feels like your chest is caving on itself. Gail, somehow manages to muster some courage and speak.

"Holly - I - I know. I know this isn't how we're supposed to happen. " you can hear her voice, about to break and it's not helping you much.

"I know that - and I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have let you go after San Francisco - " At the mention of that you close your eyes and think back to those lonely days there. And as horrible as things are, you're glad you aren't alone now.

"Holly I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry that we didn't happen the way you wanted us to - but don't for a second think that I'm going to leave you here because of that okay? I've been an idiot and it's hurt you - I know and I'm sorry. But don't ever think I'm with you out of pity okay? I'm a fool to let things get this bad before realizing it but I love you - and don't just please don't push me away - just don't do that it hurts a lot more than you think -"

You can't hear any more of what she's saying, you've leaned over to rest you head on her shoulder and she's holding on to your hand tight. You can't hear what she's saying but you're damn grateful she's here - and you love her for that.

She begs you to let her come with you up to the doctor's office but you can't let her do that. It is still your penance to pay - in your head. Besides - you would need her here when you got back from there - looking for someone to cry into after getting the news.

Which you do.

 


	13. All Night: God Only Knows

Debby I - .

* * *

_A time jump of however long you want._

* * *

It is a chilly evening - you are just about to step back inside but you feel like taking a minute in the open air before heading back in. It may be chilly but it is a pleasant, comfortable day - a nice day to pause a minute and look back - when a strange man comes up to you and asks you rather politely if he could take your picture.

You are surprised at the proposition - but you don't mind. He explains how he is the photographer for some famous Blog - Humans of New York and soon the two of you delve deeper into a conversation about yourself. You are surprised at how open you are with this guy - but something about him is extremely cordial and sweet - you can't help yourself.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing much - My ex-fiancé got married a few days back. Was just wondering how she was doing."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey - don't be - I cheated on her with the love of my life." you hastily replied, which only earned you an even more surprised look in return.

"It's a long winding story - but I'm finally with the love of my life now." you assured the guy with a heavy smile on your face.

"So, what's your biggest struggle right now?"

"The biggest struggle right now isn't mine - it's my girlfriend's. She's been diagnosed with cancer and it's been a tough long road - plus she's a doctor so she's acutely aware of everything that's going on in her body. We actually moved out here from Toronto a few months ago because the best hospital to treat it is here in Brooklyn. It has been a tiring road for her - and I just want her to be happy. It's a few more weeks of treatment - and fingers crossed - she should be better. After that it should be recovery from all the radiation therapy. So - right now it's a time of gritting our teeth and holding on for a little longer."

"Wow - Do you regret that you let the ex-fiancé get away?"

"Not really. I'm glad she found someone who loved her and I'm stoked to be with Holly. The thing I regret is letting things get as bad as cancer before it hit me that I love her - and all the running away and around games had to stop."

"How is your girlfriend coping with all this?"

"She's rather blue - but that is more of a symptom than a side-effect. It is heartbreaking to see her like that. The depressive spells are quite bad - literally nothing will cheer her up. She misses who she used to be - but can't exactly help it. Which adds to the depression all the more. It's all intertwined."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. The most unpredictable things will get her down. Her thoughts are convoluted and she would think of the darndest things to get herself down. She's also become quite reserved - I almost miss the sound of her voice." you ramble on, surprised yourself at how you were feeling.

" I want her to understand that as infuriating as this gets - I am not going to leave her. Sometimes I wish she would let me in. Then other times I'm glad she doesn't because if I did lose her after that - it would absolutely break me. It's all a very muddled emotional state. I wish she knew that I love her - you have no idea how hard it is to love someone you keeps pushing you away because she's afraid she'll hurt you. The other day she was an inconsolable mess because she kept begging me to leave her - that she could manage and I didn't have to stay back here with her."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her there was no other place I would rather be. She wouldn't take it for an answer but that was all I had. She keeps thinking of me in the old way - always ready to bail at the sight of anything that would hurt. It is hard to get her to understand that I'm not going anywhere this time."

"Think she will feel better after the treatment?"

"I don't know. But at this moment - I don't care. I'm with her now - and I'm there for her when she needs me. It doesn't matter to me if this depression goes away - as long as she lets me be by her side."

"Do wish your girlfriend luck with her treatment."

"I will. Thanks. "

_The End._

* * *

_Yes, The End._


End file.
